The scene is set on an outdoor patio in front of a small diner in Los Angeles. The RENOWNED DIRECTOR and his prospective male lead, TOM, sit at one of the tables discussing "the pitch", as it is called.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR So the film is about sandwiches.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR Yes, and you're going to love the roll.
TOM What's the role?
RENOWNED DIRECTOR No, the roll. [raises eyebrows expectantly]
TOM Right... [blinks and shifts uncomfortably]
RENOWNED DIRECTOR Our protagonist, you, is a sandwich.
TOM A sandwich?
RENOWNED DIRECTOR Yes, a sandwich.
TOM Sounds interesting.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR Yes, he has many layers...
[TOM chuckles courteously, grasping the pun]
[The RENOWNED DIRECTOR nods, staring intently at TOM. He withdraws a manila envelope from his briefcase. The envelope contains the movie script.]
The sandwich's name is "Tom".
TOM [surprised] Tom?
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [flatly, nodding] Exactly.
TOM [in mild disbelief] My name is Tom, actually.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [grinning slightly] I hoped you'd say that. Lettuce begin.
[He slowly reaches across the table and hands TOM the script. TOM examines the text for a moment, while the RENOWNED DIRECTOR studies him across the table. Eventually, the RENOWNED DIRECTOR speaks again.]
Tom is a white male, aged forty-six, pursuing a new career in clowning.
TOM [chuckles] No kidding.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR Well it's a romantic comedy, so there's quite a lot of "kidding", actually.
Tom is a lovable character, a real "jokester". The sort of guy who's always --
TOM -- full of shit? [smiles]
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [irritated] No Tom, full of baloney.
TOM [nods, embarrassed] Oh, okay.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [gravely] Try and play along, Tom.
TOM Sure. [He smiles in embarrassment and looks downward uncomfortably. The RENOWNED DIRECTOR glances around in disappointment. He appears deep in thought for a moment. TOM clears his throat and then speaks.]
So... ah... how much bread does the job offer?
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [relieved, eagerly patronizing] Yes, that's it! Very good, Tom. [The RENOWNED DIRECTOR and TOM both appear pleased.]
Very nice. You know, you've got to play along. [benevolently] You've really got to play along or else this industry will just chew you up and spit you out. [pauses, then adopts a slighty malovolent tone] Truth is, there's a whole smorgasbord of eager talent out there, just waiting to get scooped up. [He pauses reflectively while TOM nods in knowing agreement.]
But, to answer your question, we've got a modest budget that'll get split between you and your co-star. [hands TOM the co-star's headshot]
TOM Oof... she's a tall drink of water.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [nodding sly agreement] A real dish. [pauses before continuing] And so the premise of our film is Tom's struggle to succeed as a clown. He finds immense difficulty in the application of his makeup, on account of him being a sandwich.
TOM [smiling] Quite a pickle.
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [deeply pleased] Yes, Tom. Nicely done.
[TOM's ears suddenly tranform into broccoli. The RENOWNED DIRECTOR grins mischievously.]
And so in desperation, he resorts to telling pathetic jokes at the corner deli.
TOM Hamming it up...
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [excited] Yes!
[TOM's nose transforms into a clump of grapes. The director continues.]
Oh and here's a treat - the film is scored by John Willyums.
TOM [eagerly] Sounds like a real feast for the senses!
[TOM's fingers turn to sausage links.]
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [looking on hungrily] Quite. So what do do think, Tom? Will you accept the role?
TOM I'm hungry for work. Yes, absolutely.
[At this point, TOM has completely transformed into a human cornucopia.]
RENOWNED DIRECTOR [calmly] Fantastic. Let's dig in, then.
[The RENOWNED DIRECTOR withdraws a fork, knife, and cloth napkin from his briefcase and proceeds to consume TOM whole.]